«EMOTIONS»

Of all the great gifts given us by the human brain, probably none is more maligned or misunderstood than the gift of our emotions. In the endless carpet of the mind of mankind we can inevitably find that tell-tale lump under which the emotions have been swept and then trampled on. Whole generations of parents have withheld hugs and gentleness for fear of turning their children into softies “Don’t be a baby”!; “Get over it”! “Big boys don’t cry!”; and in response a child learns that feelings are something shameful and not to be admitted to. We learn to become “strong silent types”; “copers”, “staunch” and “he-men”. We don’t need help. Nor does society at large recognize or accept the emotions of others. After all “they should have the decency to keep their feelings to themselves. Who wants to see someone else’s pain or grief? “It’s positively embarrassing”.

However, by not learning to recognize and own our emotions we do ourselves a great disservice. The human brain is designed to have emotions. Our brain works with remarkable cunning. When our limbic system, the part of our brain uniquely modified to process emotions, senses emotions these are passed on to our frontal lobes which link the sensations to the meaning we hold. Thus we are enabled to analyse what it is that triggers our feelings. We learn to know ourselves and our values and can make decisions on whether our reactions are appropriate or not. This link enables us to learn and allows us to make plans and regulate our behaviours accordingly.

If we pay our emotions early attention we can learn to differentiate many subtle shades of feeling. When the child at school bullies me and takes my lunch there may be many different feelings. There may be fear; loneliness as I sit by myself in the big playground; a lostness and sense of not fitting in; a longing to be playing with the others; hunger around missing my lunch; anger at being bullied. If each of these meanings is identified and acknowledged I will develop problem-solving skills to manage the fall-out.

If everything is swept out of sight, it builds up. The mound under the carpet gets bigger and bigger. The emotions get jumbled up together and lack differentiation until eventually there is “just anger” or “just depression”. My coping strategies will then become restricted to simply responding to my environmental pressures. I may develop road rage, become angry with my family or try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings by drinking. But maybe that’s okay? Society accepts behaviours, it is only feelings that it cannot accept.

Mind Matters is a regular Times column by Pamela Glyn, a Howick-based psychologist. Tel/Fax: 535-2224. Email: glynpsy@pl.net Web site: www.glyn-psychology.co.nz