«MOTIVATION»

        Much of life and meaning seems to be derived by fulfilling our potential. If we have the opportunity to learn how to use our talents and then put them to use within our community we feel a sense of pride and self-worth. Doing something we do well, no matter how humble, gives us a sense of purpose and a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Karl Rogers, an important psychologist of the 20th Century, was of the opinion that human beings have an inherent drive to “actualise” themselves. Actualising is a tendency of a person to move towards growth and health, if conditions are right. But if all of us are doing this actualising thing, then why is it an effort for some of us to put our dish in the sink or rise from the couch in front of the TV?

Well, one reason may be that we do not realize that there is something unique to ourselves that is worth actualising. Here healthy parenting has a part to play. If parents offer their children what Roger’s calls “unconditional positive regard” the children will be able to accept themselves and will learn to trust their own judgement. If the parent is conditional in her acceptance, then the child can no longer trust his own judgement for fear of not being loved. He becomes dependent on the parent for approval of every action. Thus the power to make choices is gradually lost and the child loses sight of his own needs and wants, as he tries desperately to please the parent. This tendency will very often follow him for the rest of his life. He will do everything he undertakes in an attempt to be told by other people that he is worthwhile and will lose the capacity to judge this for himself. Thus he will be externally motivated and when there are no people around, or when he meets with disapproval, his wheels may just fall off.

If we are too much in touch with the expectations of the world around us, we no longer actualise. If our world consists of the way the TV stars do it; or the material possessions we will own to show that we have made it; or what our neighbours will think of us if we do or say something out of the ordinary, then the chances are we will become bogged down by the expectations of others and lose all the joy and energy which life offers to those who are spontaneous.

So it is worth spending time on our own and “getting in touch” with our real feelings. It is also worthwhile learning how to express these appropriately. If we have been taught not to express our thoughts and opinions we may need to learn that they are just as important as the next person’s. We may have learnt to “keep the peace at all costs” and so avoid conflict. Thus we may need to learn assertiveness skills so that we do not just shrivel up inside and get trampled on. It takes great courage to believe that we have something to become and to get out there and bit by little bit become it. But it is worth every effort because if we do not, we will have wasted our only life trying to please others.

Mind Matters is a regular Times column by Pamela Glyn, a Howick-based psychologist. Tel/Fax: 535-2224. Email: glynpsy@pl.net Web site: www.glyn-psychology.co.nz