«PARENTING»

        It would be impossible to over-emphasize the importance of parenting. Imagine the tiny person as he comes into the world and then imagine the vast amount of information in the environment with which he will have to come to terms. How can this be possible? Out “there” is a concrete reality and a philosophical world; there are cultures and religions; there are facts and opinions. Each of these options carries with it many different possible ways of being.

It is the parents, with their knowledge of the world who are the go-betweens. It is they who mediate between this vast world and their child. It is the parents who on the one hand break down the complexities of the environment and feed it to the developing mind in a way it can make sense of it. And it is the parents who, with their love and knowledge of the child, encourage, build and strengthen him so that he can build up an image of the world in which, as an individual, he has a place and a meaning. In this way the child grows the inner tools to deal with the challenges which experience will bring.

One can envisage this process rather like a piece of knitting. If the early stitches are cast on well, with small needles, then the garment will be strong and flexible. If the stitches are knitted carelessly or dropped then there will be holes in the fabric and the stitches will run. Likewise, the more tools one offers one’s child in the form of opportunities to explore, or explanations with which to make sense of the world, the greater will be the child’s sense of mastery in a variety of situations.

Yet even this is not enough. The way in which we communicate the world to our children is vitally important too.

A child is not a machine into which we simply programme reality as we see it:

• Unless the child perceives his world to be a safe place, he will not learn trust and will be fearful to explore. Thus the parent must be dependable and consistent.

• Unless the child learns to respect himself, he will be unable to trust his own decisions and will be dependent on the opinions of others rather than being in touch with his own inner needs. Thus the child needs to be unconditionally loved by the parent. Love that tells the child he is only good when he does what the parent asks, will distort the growing personality.

• A child learns through observation so the parents’ example of coping is a strong learning tool. Parents model love and relationships; problem-solving skills; morality and many other things.

Parenting must be the most challenging job in the world, yet we do not have to have training or qualifications. So let’s practice our knitting! (Words: 460)

For simplicity the pronoun he, him and his will be used to denote he/she; him/her; his/hers

Mind Matters is a regular Times column by Pamela Glyn, a Howick-based psychologist. Tel/Fax: 535-2224. Email: glynpsy@pl.net Web site: www.glyn-psychology.co.nz