«PERSONALITY»

        Who am I?

Back in 1927 Gordon Allport abstracted about 50 definitions of personality from the literature of the day and these have probably increased exponentially since then. So clearly this is a trick question. Some psychologists argue that we all have certain underlying traits which allow us to predict how we will behave in given circumstances. Others believe that it is the experiences we have in life that shape the way we develop and come to view our world.

Probably who we are is a combination of both these things. Most likely we inherit our interests. We probably also have default settings on the ways in which we process our experiences and engage with the world around us. For example we have natural tendencies to be passive or active; to be outgoing or shy; or to respond with our emotions or our mind. The experiences we have will then either encourage or discourage these preferences.

It seems that all of us are born with a drive to express ourselves in the world. From a very early age we have a part of us that observes. These inner eyes look outward onto the world we live in and then inward onto our “self”. Constantly they monitor how and where we are fitting in and constantly they tell us where to modify ourselves to gain the acceptance of those who are important to us.

Taken a step further this shows us just how important good parenting is. If our parents know who they want us to be when we grow up they already have a preconceived role for us. Because we fear that we will lose their love if we do not conform to their image of us, we may end up by over-adapting. Slowly we modify ourselves to fit a mould. Almost inevitably this road leads us to a level of depression as more and more we lose the self we started out with.

If, on the other hand our parents guide us, setting examples but at the same time encouraging us to develop our own abilities, waiting with respect to see who we will become, then we grow in our sense of our own self. We learn to trust our own judgement and because our self is not under threat, we will not have to constantly defend or suppress it. Nor will we have to “say or do the right thing” in line with some predetermined concept. Rather we will begin to negotiate our own value system. We will feel free to express opinions without being dogmatic and we will be flexible and open to growth and change.

So who am I? Well perhaps if I am truly alive, then I am still in the process of discovering, exploring, modifying and celebrating each of my many facets as a very special human being.

Mind Matters is a regular Times column by Pamela Glyn, a Howick-based psychologist. Tel/Fax: 535-2224. Email: glynpsy@pl.net Web site: www.glyn-psychology.co.nz